Spinning: An Ocean Apart - Julie Delpy
Merry Belated Christmas, though I am quite sure this greeting has come too late. I don't know how my friends have celebrated Christmas, because almost every year, I celebrate Christmas with my family/relatives.
Was my Christmas merry? I'm going to reply with a "Not quite as merry as the previous Christmases". As we, or maybe just I, grow older, things I don't normally bother with start to bother me. My relatives are over this December, though it is a down-sized number - just 3 of them to be precise.
Of late I have been having these periods of "down-time" - periods of frustration and confusion. I may sound like a troubled teen getting all emo - but trust me, I don't think so. Last night was a terrible night. I received an SMS from someone - it was not the root cause of my frustrations- rather it was the final catalyst for my long bottled up frustrations. And before I continue, let me extinguish all suspicions that the SMS in question has anything to do with affairs of the heart. Normally it'd have been harmless and evoked a little 'Oh Bah' from me, but this time I hit the roof, hard.
I don't know if I seem like this way to some of my peers - that I am being viewed as a pushover, a yesman. I doubt so, because a friend would not treat me like a doormat/pushover. But increasingly, I am beginning to suspect that in the eyes of mere acquaintances, and even some of my relatives, I am one. I am not basing this just on my 'gut feeling/instinct'. Its just that there are too many examples I can cite.
My relatives wanted to go to Orchard Road on Christmas Eve. I was reluctant, because I know how crappily crowded Orchard Road can be on Christmas Eve. I refused at first, stating quite blatantly that I didn't like crowds/crowded places. And then my mother, of all people, started to ramble on about how I'm already 17 and still don't know my way around Orchard Road in front of my relatives. To put it simply, she was trying to say that I wasn't street-wise. That is a fact, with no doubt, but this wasn't the reason why I didn't want to go. Again I insisted, but my determination broke when my Aunt finally said, "Could you please go and take care of them?" I said yes.
And go we did, and I lost my cousin in the sea of crazy people who went to Orchard on Christmas Eve. My first reaction was the usual 'Shit!'. And I'd asked my cousin's friends (whom we'd met up with) where my cousin was. She had no idea. I was surprised I wasn't panicking yet, since my cousin was without a handphone AND a wallet, AND had no vague idea of where she was. By pure luck and chance, I turned around and found her, struggling to get past some idiot who was pushing his way through the crowd. I honestly wonder, what would've happened if I'd lost her for real. If anyone would be held responsible - it would've been me. Not her friend, not her friend's friend, nor any other Crazy Maniac in Orchard Road. I don't like crowds for a reason, and I didn't want to go, for a reason too. Sure, it may be fun with all the spraying of foam and party stuff - but when things like getting relatives lost happen, it's not funny anymore. People were having body-to-body contact with each other - and you could smell the stench of their BOs in the air. "I push, You push". That was the common sentiment they had whilst trying to navigate their way through the ridiculously packed crowd. After tolerating some idiot who was pushing me forward and causing me to kiss the neck of the guy in front, I'd turned and berated her.
In the morning I overheard someone say, "Is Y(me) going? Oh, it's all right if she doesn't go, right?". The place in question was someone's grave. It's someone that I revere and respect, and someone I was close to. It's not about feeling unimportant - sometimes its better to stay out of the limelight. It's about not asking for my opinion first, and making decisions on my behalf without asking.
Then the SMS came at night. That was the last straw. Again, I was being taken for granted.
The point I'm trying to get across, is that some people seem to play on my weaknesses - which includes being overcome by guilt easily - and indirectly force me to do things that I don't want to. Which result in events that turn sour. After a sleepless night, I'd decided to turn things around and throw shit back at people who'd thrown shit right at me. I made a few calls, came off sounding a little rude and indignant - and probably pissed the person on the other end of the line off. But if I don't put my foot down - I'm going to be branded as a pushover for the rest of the year. And you know what, I actually felt a little guilty.
Another issue that bothered me was my decision of whether to study overseas or in a local university. To be honest, studying overseas appeals to me - but the very thing that's holding me back is myself - doubting my own abilities to live alone overseas - my lack of independence. And I know there are so many people who are out there, who probably want to strangle me and wring me out of my self-doubt.
I don't know if I even make sense in this post. All I know is that I have to change certain perceptions, and that I have to start being more independent.
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