A tornado whipped through my life, hitting me square in the chest and catching me off guard. I don't mean that in a good way, 'cos it came as a shock. BCDF - that's what I got for my promotional examinations. Indeed the F is glaring. If you really want to know - it was Mathematics which I did so poorly in. I happily assumed that with a BCD for my other subjects, I'd get through for an appeal for 4 'A' level subjects. Too bad. Assume = making an ASS of U and ME. The formal appeal result isn't out yet. But I caught a glimpse of the teachers' comments on the appeal form- and let's just say they weren't exactly supportive of me taking 4 'A' Levels. Yes, because of the F. I stubbornly refused to drop Mathematics, leaving me with just E. Lit and Economics to drop, since it'd be a joke if I dropped Geography (B, by far the best out of the 4) I consulted with 3 out of my 4 subject tutors, 2 said I should drop Econs, 1 said I should drop E. Lit.

I was going through a great deal of emotional turmoil when deciding which to drop. As I finished consulting with my Lit teachers and walked away, I promptly burst into tears - because I'd chose to drop Lit at that time. I was upset - because I was dropping something I was interested in, and dropping something I did reasonably well in. It's been ages since I've found a subject like that - and now I was going to have to drop it. I knew I wasn't genuinely happy - but the arguments of my sister's and my brother's constantly echoed in my mind.

As I calmed down, I sought the 2nd opinion of another teacher. The result - I've decided to drop the other one. Economics. When I made that decision, I didn't break down or whatever. Conversely, I felt immense relief. What this decision would bring me in future, I don't know. But clearly, I know where my heart lies. It's tough having to decide between interest/ability and practicality. It's a shame they don't go together in my case. But I can't always have the best of both worlds - that's something I've learnt since young - and taking on a whole new path... it's scary. Intimidating, even. I'm scared and I'm still confused. But if I ever end up with just those 3 subjects (plus an S paper), I'll do my very best. At least that would make me feel better. My brother - still in Australia and unaware of my recent decision, is sure to quarrel with me over this. Ultimately, its my future, and I can't have other people making decisions for me. I can only take advice from others. It's cliched, but I don't want my life to be dictated by others. Even if this decision was a mistake, I'll have to learn how to face it.

To get angry and blame the school, or any others around me, would be being childish. Because all that's happening now is a result of my effort. But I can't say that I'm feeling good. I'm feeling lousy. But a choice had to be made. People are going to say I'm stupid by choosing to drop Economics - I stand by the fact that it's not what they can predict. That would be determined by me. From the very moment I chose to be in the Arts stream, I threw convention out of the window. And I hope something good's going to come out of this.

Blogs. I don't even know why I'm keeping one now. Being wary about how people would think of what I post, being cautious about how I phrase my words. Replacing certain offensive words with euphemisms, restraining myself so that I don't post anything hurtful. No, it's not a place where I can make my innermost thoughts known. Even if I do, they are glossed over. Morality issues, LEGAL issues, diplomacy, EVERYTHING stands in my way as I decide what to type for my next post. Then what's this blog for? What's the very purpose of a blog? I have no answer. Don't ask me. Perhaps I am keeping this blog for the sake of keeping it. I don't know. But, if one day, my entries begin to sound excessively dry and monotonous, you'll know what happened. Whatever it is, be assured that the past entries have not been lies. They are true events/thoughts, but I guess, I have been guarded in typing them.

A week ago, something pissed me off. And you know, my first reaction was to vent my frustrations in this blog. I typed out a short entry. No names were mentioned, but the entry was charged with anger anyhow. The entry was at its worst, caustic. At its best, callous. I pushed the 'publish' button in a fit of anger. Then, after reading it and rereading it all over again, I decided I'd take it off. Because, yes. I felt uncomfortable with people reading about it. My anger boiled over, and after awhile I'd decided to make peace with the issue.

Old wounds however, have been re-opened. I restrain myself from typing an emotionally charged entry about it. Already tired from last weekend's pre-camp, a horrible relevation today caused me to feel worse. I've already done the venting. This is merely a result of some reflection.

Yes. I am disillusioned - hopefully not for long. Perhaps I need some enlightenment.

I just woke up - and no, I am not a pig - because I was resting after an arduous day spent at camp. I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I signed up for the camp upon much persuasion from my friend Boon Ee. I won't go into the nitty gritty, but just know that I am supposed to be there as a camp facilitator for around 17 Primary 4 kids, in two weeks time.

So - yesterday was the pre-camp - only involving the facilitators, and any other personnel involved in the organization of the camp. I kind of panicked on Friday night 'cos I hadn't packed for camp in a long time and, you know, it's a bit difficult to squeeze my stuff into as small a bag as possible. And, blah. I had friends - or make that singular, if you will - but no very close friends in my group... so I was kinda apprehensive. But I forgot - it was a camp full of VOLUNTARY facilitators - I should've known that the people there would be a group of restless, bubbly, outgoing, lively, enthusiastic, outdoorsy, sporty - or in other words, 'siao on' - people. All of which I am not. Heh. You had to see that coming from me, you know.

To be honest, I didn't initiate any interaction - they introduced themselves first. Picture this: someone sticks his/her hand out and says, "Hi, my name is blahblahblah". You would take it, wouldn't you... and obviously do an introduction in return. Unless you're really that anti-social, lah. And yeah, throughout the camp I was a little more chatty than usual, though most of what were talked about were superficial, but nonetheless things acquaintances would normally talk about. Met a few people from different JCs, and I found the culture there strikingly different.

Anyhow. I consciously made an effort to be more friendly, but it was apparent that extroversion didn't run in my nature - for the most part I was more quiet than the others, though not to the point of being similar to a social recluse. It was an experience nevertheless. It's always good to mix around with other people from different backgrounds. Come the week after next, I'm going to be handling 10 year old kids as well - so I'm kind of curious as to how I'd do that. Yeah, I haven't planned what to do with them and I am just asking for trouble. But I protest - spontaneity with kids works nowadays.

The activities for the pre-camp were mostly outdoor-based, and the facilitators were put through all the activities to get a feel of it (and also to learn to instruct the p4 kids, though I'm not so sure if 1 session of dragon boating cuts it for me).

First up was an Amazing Race (designed for kids) which took place entirely in East Coast Park. Already that was surprisingly tiring - stepping into squishy mud and venturing into mangrove areas was INDEED an experience. Dragon boating at the Kallang River was also not an exception. I used to go to the Leisure Dome (situated near the Kallang River itself) occasionally for meals with my family, and I enjoyed the view from the restaurants there - always staring out at the skyline and those kayaking/dragon boating in the river. It's silly, but I kind of relished the idea of actually being one of those people in the dragon boats. Heh. Anyway - Dragon boating was fun, but at the same time energy-draining - the reason being that I had to use my entire body strength to row. It's not just the arms, contrary to popular belief. It's the whole damn body which rocks to and fro as somebody rows. Needless to say there were a lot of well-built people at Kallang River, since, in the words of one of my team-mates: "Half of the Singapore teams are out training for dragon boating on Saturday". So, loads of eye-candy. Heh heh.

Wet games were a tad bit boring... or maybe it was because I was too damn tired to play anymore. And sleeping was horrible. I forgot to bring a sleeping bag and I was sleeping on a row of tables. My butt was extremely sore after a night of tossing and turning. The next day - a coupla of games: Ultimate Frisbee and Pushball. The 2 games that I managed to play anyway. The conclusion: I suck at both. I couldn't fling the frisbee for nuts, and I got knocked over by the pushball (a gigantic monster of a ball) TWICE. Which explained why I didn't take part in the remaining 3 games. You see - my toe was stubbed in the chaos of the Pushball game (a damn violent one, I tell you) and it was hurting like crap. So touch rugby, bouldering, and rock climbing were out. A pity. Because I wanted to do rock climbing so much. I wound up belaying others in the end.

So here I am, body and mind renewed after close to 4 hours of sleep, and I think I'm going to catch more rest. Will update next time.

Taken from Zhu Hui's blog and done out of pure boredom... (Note: not listed in any particular order unless otherwise stated)

As you can see I'm not a very optimistic person.

Just one more day, and I'm free from the chains of the examinations. Hang on, you guys. We'll finish this race together.

Been reading Literature late into the night. Tea was my poison of choice yesterday as I attempted to stay awake until 3.30 a.m. (and succeeded!) Never had I felt so alert in the dead of the night before. I was acutely aware of the weird sounds in the night, and the 'mmmmm' of the air-con as I studied away into the night. I'd just seen the trailer for Korean horror movie "The Wig", so I was ultra-paranoid. The silence was chilling, so I plugged my ears with some music... I guess desperation drives you to desperate measures. I've broken my record. I've not stayed up so late just to study before! But I've discovered the effectiveness of, well, studying at night. A word of warning though, it'll DRAIN you the next morning. So don't do it on the night before your examination unless you want to wake up in a pool of drool during your exam. (Think English Compre. I ALWAYS SLEEP DURING ENGLISH COMPRE!)

Was blog surfing a few weeks earlier and I found some articles relevant to me. Now what's relevant to me would be relevant to my classmates, especially so in this case :

Link: http://singaporeangle.blogspot.com/2005/10/sciences-and-humanities-one-harder.html

It's the epic battle between the Arts and the Sciences! Nah, there's no explicit battle. But most definitely, they clash in some areas. I wouldn't say they are polar opposites, but you've got to admit that they don't fuse that well. (Only in a few cases they do)

Anyway, those taking the Arts like me, read the article and be enlightened! It will probably be a cure for your sleeplessness and your languidness over whether your choice was right (read: Mabel!) and it is indeed one thought provoking article, which I'd like to shove in the face of some people.

Shall update again after the examinations.

Spinning: The Cape Of Storms

First off, this entry is, admittedly, a little dry. Just a word of warning in advance :)

Yesterday at midnight, my handphone blared, annoying the crap out of me. Picked it up, half asleep - and really annoyed - because I'd been dozing off reading my darn Geography notes - and to my surprise, it was a MMS. I opened it and saw a dancing squirrel with headphones on, complete with that Saturday Night Fever pose. To my bewilderment, I realised that it was my display pic on Friendster. I scrolled down and there it was - a birthday song with self composed lyrics - from Pearl Ning, my sqdmate. Fully awake, I felt this wave of emotions wash over me. Started laughing to no one in particular - cos the lyrics just sounded pretty retarded, but then it was SO LIKE Pearl Ning to do this!

Many other smses followed, with lots of them coming from my squadmates. I'd not kept in contact with some of them, although we'd met personally around 2 months ago (it's a routine thing. We keep up as much as our schedules can allow.) They actually remembered my birthday - but honestly that ain't significant - what's more important is that they remembered their old friend. I was genuinely touched - I haven't been this touched for a few years already. They always say it's the thought that counts. I finally fully understand the meaning behind this. A small SMS from a friend could send me up to cloud nine - and I knew why. I knew I missed them terribly - so a small hint of their presence; a small reminder that they still remembered me and vice versa would be 100 times more effective than a solid present. All these, despite me being WELL KNOWN for forgetting birthdates (or any dates lah.) Note to self: Get a diary to record down birthdates!!!

So, a big Thank You to those people who remembered their old friend :) Of course that's not to say that I have forgotten those people whom I am in constant contact now who wished me well too. And no, please, hor. I don't measure friendship using this as a gauge. It's not so primary school anymore lah. Can you imagine a 17 year old saying, "If you don't wish me, I DON'T FRIEND YOU!!!'. [Translated: if you don't wish me a happy birthday, you're less of a friend] No, right? But you'll be surprised. I know people who THINK that way (though they don't vocalize their thoughts on this). Anyway, haha. Can you imagine - I forgot a best friend's birthday myself...! I deserved to be spanked, right?

Having said that, my friends who turned up at school (ZH, XT, Mab) persuaded me to go for lunch and not go back home for my 'fai sok mee...' (that's extremely twisted usage of the Cantonese language. Don't learn. Anyway, its my version of Kuai Su Mian... or instant noodles) Asked me to choose a place to eat at, and we decided on Swensen's in the end - since 'got free firehouse, what!!!' I pampered myself with a slightly more expensive meal and treated them to rodeo wings. We ended up eating more than - get this - more than 2 scoops of ice cream each, since there was some screw-up in our orders and we were given free scoops! MUAHAHAHA! I ended up going to the toilet after that with ZH, with MAB and XT acting all mysterious. Immediately I'd suspected they'd do something incredibly stupid. I WAS RIGHT... when I came back, they were writing some things frantically on two balloons, and when they saw me, they looked just like deers caught in headlights. And they presented me with those 2 balloons. My ultimate nightmare - to look stupid carrying balloons like a kiddo walking around Parkway. I had to carry those home, of course! Heh.

Oh, to those people who'd sympathized with me since my Bday is right smack before the promos, I'd like to say that it's alright. I'm so freaking used to it. Just makes my birthday more memorable, no? I remember last year's birthday was spent at school with me just getting the shakes since we were receiving our prelim results. What an adrenaline-pumping affair I'd never forget. Oh well.

BTW, to Ivan, is this entry 'happy and fluffy' enough, or not? :) This one is genuinely happy, lah. Rest assured, the following entries won't be as fluffy. I've taken an interest in what people have to say about student blogs.