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date/time Saturday, December 31, 2005,10:33 AM
in retrospect...
Spinning: Gatekeeper - Feist
I'm sneaking in a little time to do this post before rushing off to do Measure for Measure again (psst: I've drained a whole pen just doing my Literature homework.)
I don't know if anyone realises it is already the 31st of December - i.e. the last day of 2005. It's the best day to reflect on the goings-on of 2005, I guess - whether personal/none of my business.
There's been a lot of changes, around me, and probably to me as well, since my entrance into TJ up till this very point. Probably the 1 thing that I struggled a lot with was to keep in contact with my secondary school buddies - mostly my squadmates from my SJ days. It's real easy to say, "Let's keep in contact.", but when it comes to walking the talk, no-one bothers - or that's how it looks like sometimes. On my part, I've definitely tried keeping in touch with them. Successful with some, not so with others. It's a darn pity that I might potentially lose contact with some of them, but I've already tried - so I can't do anything else. People may wonder why I even bother. Why I even bother, since there are so many other new friends who are more easily accessible. You know, if people keep on dropping their old friends and picking up new ones - I wonder if their best friends would be their colleagues in future. Not surprising, anyway. I've heard about office politics and the various alliances in an office. It's cool how much real-life drama you encounter in an office.
Second, I'm in a very different class environment from that of 2004's. The people I encounter in class are a lot more opinionated and outgoing. Perhaps this has got to do with the fact that these people are taking humanities subjects - subjects that very often require you to take a stand and support it. (And then turn back on yourself, refute your stand and support it.) It's a stark contrast to 2004's classmates - whom were largely reserved. I couldn't find any topics to create a decent conversation with them - perhaps that's why I stuck with my squadmates instead. 2005's classmates, on the other hand, are like these gas molecules just waiting to escape from their container. Yah I know its a stupid metaphor but... you get what I mean. I'm looking forward to another year with them, and I hope the year after the next, I won't have to deal with whatever I dealt with in the first point above.
Third, this year's UK trip opened my eyes to a lot of things. I'd never really known what western culture was until I personally went to experience it for myself. You could call me a swaku. I'm 2k poorer but I think that's bought me a lot of knowledge, and much more insight into my classmates. Just last night I was flipping through my UK photo album and laughing at stupid photos. Strangely, I could remember some insignificant events. It's not like my other 5 day vacations where I forget everything, left with only souvenirs to remember the place by. In fact, this trip probably made me reconsider my decision to study locally.
Fourth, this year has been more stressful than any other year, mostly academically but of course there's the extended family drama you can throw in. Ironically, I find that I'm beginning to learn how to take things slow, note be so anxious and relax a little - and not be the anal retentive woman Bree from Desperate Housewives is. Even during my PW presentation, I was calmer than expected. I don't know what caused the change... but I'm not going to question this change. I welcome it.
Having reflected on the various changes... I don't think I'm going to make any resolutions. I don't usually keep them, anyway. And if I really think I should change something about myself, I don't think I should resolve to do it only at the end of the year/beginning of the year, yah? Goals, yes, but resolutions... probably no. :)
Happy Advanced New 2006.
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date/time Tuesday, December 27, 2005,3:20 PM
I push, You push
Spinning: An Ocean Apart - Julie Delpy
Merry Belated Christmas, though I am quite sure this greeting has come too late. I don't know how my friends have celebrated Christmas, because almost every year, I celebrate Christmas with my family/relatives.
Was my Christmas merry? I'm going to reply with a "Not quite as merry as the previous Christmases". As we, or maybe just I, grow older, things I don't normally bother with start to bother me. My relatives are over this December, though it is a down-sized number - just 3 of them to be precise.
Of late I have been having these periods of "down-time" - periods of frustration and confusion. I may sound like a troubled teen getting all emo - but trust me, I don't think so. Last night was a terrible night. I received an SMS from someone - it was not the root cause of my frustrations- rather it was the final catalyst for my long bottled up frustrations. And before I continue, let me extinguish all suspicions that the SMS in question has anything to do with affairs of the heart. Normally it'd have been harmless and evoked a little 'Oh Bah' from me, but this time I hit the roof, hard.
I don't know if I seem like this way to some of my peers - that I am being viewed as a pushover, a yesman. I doubt so, because a friend would not treat me like a doormat/pushover. But increasingly, I am beginning to suspect that in the eyes of mere acquaintances, and even some of my relatives, I am one. I am not basing this just on my 'gut feeling/instinct'. Its just that there are too many examples I can cite.
My relatives wanted to go to Orchard Road on Christmas Eve. I was reluctant, because I know how crappily crowded Orchard Road can be on Christmas Eve. I refused at first, stating quite blatantly that I didn't like crowds/crowded places. And then my mother, of all people, started to ramble on about how I'm already 17 and still don't know my way around Orchard Road in front of my relatives. To put it simply, she was trying to say that I wasn't street-wise. That is a fact, with no doubt, but this wasn't the reason why I didn't want to go. Again I insisted, but my determination broke when my Aunt finally said, "Could you please go and take care of them?" I said yes.
And go we did, and I lost my cousin in the sea of crazy people who went to Orchard on Christmas Eve. My first reaction was the usual 'Shit!'. And I'd asked my cousin's friends (whom we'd met up with) where my cousin was. She had no idea. I was surprised I wasn't panicking yet, since my cousin was without a handphone AND a wallet, AND had no vague idea of where she was. By pure luck and chance, I turned around and found her, struggling to get past some idiot who was pushing his way through the crowd. I honestly wonder, what would've happened if I'd lost her for real. If anyone would be held responsible - it would've been me. Not her friend, not her friend's friend, nor any other Crazy Maniac in Orchard Road. I don't like crowds for a reason, and I didn't want to go, for a reason too. Sure, it may be fun with all the spraying of foam and party stuff - but when things like getting relatives lost happen, it's not funny anymore. People were having body-to-body contact with each other - and you could smell the stench of their BOs in the air. "I push, You push". That was the common sentiment they had whilst trying to navigate their way through the ridiculously packed crowd. After tolerating some idiot who was pushing me forward and causing me to kiss the neck of the guy in front, I'd turned and berated her.
In the morning I overheard someone say, "Is Y(me) going? Oh, it's all right if she doesn't go, right?". The place in question was someone's grave. It's someone that I revere and respect, and someone I was close to. It's not about feeling unimportant - sometimes its better to stay out of the limelight. It's about not asking for my opinion first, and making decisions on my behalf without asking.
Then the SMS came at night. That was the last straw. Again, I was being taken for granted.
The point I'm trying to get across, is that some people seem to play on my weaknesses - which includes being overcome by guilt easily - and indirectly force me to do things that I don't want to. Which result in events that turn sour. After a sleepless night, I'd decided to turn things around and throw shit back at people who'd thrown shit right at me. I made a few calls, came off sounding a little rude and indignant - and probably pissed the person on the other end of the line off. But if I don't put my foot down - I'm going to be branded as a pushover for the rest of the year. And you know what, I actually felt a little guilty.
Another issue that bothered me was my decision of whether to study overseas or in a local university. To be honest, studying overseas appeals to me - but the very thing that's holding me back is myself - doubting my own abilities to live alone overseas - my lack of independence. And I know there are so many people who are out there, who probably want to strangle me and wring me out of my self-doubt.
I don't know if I even make sense in this post. All I know is that I have to change certain perceptions, and that I have to start being more independent.
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date/time Friday, December 23, 2005,5:48 PM
Getting a bloody headache after staring at my math questions... I don't know how I'm really going to finish all my other work. Holidays drawing to an end. Raaaaaaaaaaaarggggh.
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date/time Tuesday, December 20, 2005,10:10 PM
weird science
OK. So, er, "Rules of the game: post 5 weird and random facts about yourself, then at the end list 5 people who are next in line to do this. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their blog and tell them to read yours." 1. I'm so normal, I'm weird in the eyes of other freakos. 2. I believe the world is made of weird people. 3. And no, I do not believe in "normal is boring". 4. I am surrounded by the weirdest people around. 5. I have 2 weird dogs. What, they did say 'weird and random' what. Fine, I admit - I can't think of anything weird about myself. And I'm probably too lazy to do so as well. I am going to play The Sims 2 now. Do not disturb me in my quest to expand my 'Tang Family' legacy. *cue evil laughter* What, I spent 6 hours on Math today!!!
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date/time Thursday, December 08, 2005,12:31 PM
Go annoy someone today
Spinning: Shackled - Vertical Horizon This morning, I opened my internet browser and this, from Yahoo.com, caught my eye:  Thoroughly amused, I clicked on the top search entry, "Am I Annoying" just for kicks. It led me to this even more amusing website:
And then I saw something that made me guffaw -
Because I know of some people who should really take the quiz and uncover the truths about themselves. Then again, there are some annoying gits who think being annoying is cool. Really. I heard it out of the horse's mouth myself. (Psst, this post is a dig at somebody.)
But I really thought some of the questions were hilarious.
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date/time Tuesday, December 06, 2005,10:42 PM
Flux ___?
I'm going to repeat this 100 times: "You'll only get angry if you allow yourself to be angry." Thanks to YM's advice edit: haha! YM- did you roll your eyes on msn when I ranted about whatever I ranted? - so credit should go to her for calming me down. Not going to talk about it because it will just really give me a boost in blood pressure. Not needed at the moment. I digress. Just got back from watching 'Aeon Flux'. Hadn't read ANY reviews before this, (unless you call someone's MSN nickname, "Flux Sux" to be specific, a review.) before I went into the theatre, so you could say I went in with no expectations. That's what I always do before a movie - because I know that too much hype KILLS the experience totally. Having gotten back and checking out the rottentomatoes site, I've found out that most critics were pretty harsh on the film. 13%! Very harsh. I don't agree with that rating - I found Flux all right. Just your run-of-the-mill standard sci-fi movie. Yeah, so it ain't a bad movie, nor is it a movie that blows your mind. But surprise surprise - after some investigation: I picked this bit of info off another user's review: "Aeon Flux gets a bum rap from the critics due primarily to the politics of the studio / critic relationship; the studio's decision not to preview the film got the critic's undies in a bunch." Hmm. Worth thinking about before believing the critics totally, no? Enough about the score. Personal opinion: Flux is a standard Sci-Fi movie, with a believable plot (since it takes place in the future). Unfortunately, the plot is quite fragmented, and bits of it are thrown at you at a time. You'll have to think and peer a little harder to decipher the plot. Don't go in with a nuah brain and expect to understand it fully - you'd be disappointed. Some hollywood-ish elements are present - you'll have to expect that. It's modelled to be a blockbuster-type movie. I think. Theron is, as always, stunning. Stunts were fluid, and fight scenes are satisfying. The sets - I tell you - I think they were drool-worthy! The conversations were pretty monotonous (quite literally) and I think it was meant to be that way (if it's supposed to imitate the original animated series). Yes. I have caught a few eps of the animated series of the same name prior to watching the movie. I'm telling you, if you found the movie confusing - you'd find the animated series even worse (not a critique). You know, I was actually thinking - perhaps if they hadn't made this movie so mainstream - and more like it's original animated series - something more... indy. Maybe it'd have succeeded. The reason why the original series succeeded was because of it's weirdness, the very pop-art, indy feel one got when watching it. It just spurs you on to find out more about it. Oh well. Perhaps I just have weird taste. Always been like that. Even when it comes to music.
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date/time Saturday, December 03, 2005,9:33 PM
Scarlet
Spinning: Feel Good Time - Pink Hola! Just woke up from a few hours of much needed sleep. Thursday was a rigorous day in more ways than one really. I agreed on a trip to the beach on Thursday to get a little outdoorish for once - hadn't been getting adequate exercise ever since the end of my SJ days. So, me and 4 others (my fellow guitar club members - surprise, surprise!) went out to sea and canoed for 2 hours. In case you're wondering - canoeing is very much like kayaking, only it has an open top, and it's probably less easy to capsize in a canoe. You can pretty much lie down on the canoe and still not topple over in the sea. It's been at least 2 years since I last touched a paddle, so I needed some refresher courses from my fellow canoers, and I got the hang of it after awhile. Canoeing, much like kayaking, is a very, very tiring activity - especially so for your waist and and arms. It's also the perfect activity to sun tan without knowing it. Just ask me. I'm very happy with the tan I got - except the top of my shoulders, which got more colour than needed. It's a frigging scarlet colour now and hurts like crap. -_- And as usual. My face is peeling off. But you know, I guess the highlight of the canoeing trip for me was when I started to get sea-sick. Please don't laugh... 'cos I'm about to tell you I ended up puking in the sea. My breakfast was just a cup of tea so thank goodness, just liquid. Anyway - I'd never gotten sea sick before, so my guess is that it was the lack of solid food in my stomach that caused me to feel nauseous. Being sea-sick, esp whilst being out at sea, is just the shittiest feeling on earth. Wherever you look, east, west, south of your canoe, you feel like puking 'cos the waves are travelling towards you, away from you. Lying down and looking at the sky is one of the stupidest options to quell your lurching stomach - because you're lying on a bobbing canoe. Up and down, sloshing the bile in your stomach around even more. So I was just sitting up rigidly, my eyes focused in front, and I just kept moving on because I'd feel worse when I stopped. I puked right in front of the others - and what a paiseh moment that was! I was one of those uniformed groups alum, so why the hell was I getting all pukey in front of people who didn't have any experience with canoeing! Eeep! But really, I forgot about the issue of ' saving face' after that. Those 2 hours of outdoorish activity weren't enough for us, apparently. We opted to go cycling for another 2 hours after lunch. We went almost non-stop, only stopping at the jetties to take a swig of water. All the way from Marine Parade to Changi. We even stopped near the Changi Depot to watch planes... embark and disembark. God knows what's so interesting about that. But anyway, it was an experience 'cos I'd never ventured that far before. Yeah, it's just so weird to go all outdoorish with acquaintances - we don't know each other that well. At least it felt that way for me. All 4 of them were in the commitee - I wasn't. But honestly I was just there for the canoeing and cycling really. Perhaps it helped me know them better. Perhaps it helped THEM know me better.
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date/time Friday, December 02, 2005,10:26 PM
letting go ain't as easy as we think
Spinning: Precious - Depeche Mode It was a rather impromptu decision - to have a sleepover held at my house last Thursday. I invited some nursings over, and we ended up having 3 quarters of the original number invited. Initially I thought it'd be damn boring... after all sleepovers... I don't know man. I haven't been to one before, much less host one, so I didn't know what to expect. But as always, the squad nursings brightened up my day. Plenty of stupid and genuinely funny jokes - with the usual few who don't bother about image and stuff. We even had those spoofs of reality TV - America's Next Top Model for one. As a keepsake, we recorded everything down on video, and I laughed my ass off watching it again and again. Sigh. Early in the afternoon, we caught the 4th Harry Potter movie - The Goblet of Fire I believe. I hadn't watched the first 3, so I came with no expectations whatsoever - which was good, in a way. Anyhow, the movie was pretty interesting, worth a 3/5 stars I guess. If I'm generous, 3.5/5 stars. Interestingly enough, I was more interested in the side characters than anything else. Mad-Eye "Moody" was a dubious character, Viktor Krum from Durmstrang also an interesting addition to the cast, Rita Skeeter was a scene stealer despite the little air time she got, Fleur Delacour an elegant half-veela from Beauxbatons, and the towering Madame Maxime, a perfect match for Hagrid I must say. Catch it if you can. Lunch was eaten at Carl's Jr, an unbelievably expensive place to have fast food. It'll be some time before I go back again. Argh! To compensate we squeezed loads and loads of chilli sauce and ate to our hearts content there. Dinner was far more engaging as we sat at my dining table and slurped instant noodles, all while bitching about things, and revealing scandals of our SJ years never known before, and scandals occuring in our sqdmates lives right now. But somewhere in the back of my mind - I wonder if these times will ever last. You may say that I'm quite a pessimist, but there's no doubt - some of the camaraderie as Cheryl would have said, has died off. I don't mean to be such a sceptic, but I sometimes wonder, if those teary farewells in the Audio Visual Theatre last year was a result of the knowledge that we wouldn't be as close anymore. I wonder. But I do not know for sure. In any case, I'm sure that I'll still be close to some of my squadmates... but it's inevitable to drift apart from those I was never close to, to begin with. I look forward to more sleepovers, and I'm pretty sure there'll be more - it's just that a select few of my squadmates would sadly be gone from my life, possibly forever. It's just upsetting me, that this would happen. Because what we went through as a squad - let's face it - we'd never experience it in life ever again. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying my ENTIRE squad is drifting apart. It's just... nevermind. Let's just say that letting go and moving on can be a freaking titanic task. Edit: This came in really, really late. But I still wish to post this up anyway. Let's have it before the kayaking one :)Labels: musings
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21 year old student still trying to find her way around the world; like any other :)
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