I was just surfing FB a few minutes ago and I suddenly had this impulse to quit and delete my online presence. It's really quite amazing how much time we spend on our online social networks. Sadly, I think it sometimes exceeds the amount of time we actually spend in person with our friends.

I've thought of quitting Facebook many, many times because it's such a time-guzzler. And quite ironically, I think it just serves as a huge reminder of how my 'online presence' is strong but the real-life networks are dwindling. Sad but true. No matter how many sheep you throw at each other or how many posts you scrawl on someone else's wall, nothing beats real-life interaction, or even a phone-call.

Let's break it down. The benefits of FB? Ok i'll have to admit I benefitted quite a bit from it. Most recently in an entrepreneurial start up, I utilized it for marketing purposes. Free. So that netted us quite a bit of publicity. Another thing - those FB promos people have for all sorts of things. I have a few thoughts about the commercialization of FB - I think corporations have more access to our information than we know - but I'm not going to elaborate. On a more social front - it's about knowing what your friends are up to, maybe organizing gatherings, sharing interesting stuff like videos, photos, links. Ribbing your friends. And on a more personal level, everybody has a little bit of a narcissistic streak in them. Which explains the numerous photowhoring albums people may have - yes I am guilty as charged.

So on the front of discounts, its marketing value, and sharing things like videos, photos and links, Facebook's all good. But when it comes to actually keeping in touch with your friends, it only facilitates, never maintains. Kinda like how you would use FB as a way to start up some gathering discussion (which 60% of the time fails I feel), but you wouldn't use it to really talk about stuff with friends.

But anyway I think the sad part is when you know all about your friends' lives from Facebook but not actually from their own mouths. Things kinda get more objective then, no? You don't hear their side of the story, you just discover the facts, but you don't actually know the depth of their emotions or feelings about what happened. Someone just broke up? FB has the facts. You see lots of concerned comments, but 99% of the time the original poster doesn't ever reply to those comments.

And the lack of privacy - I know, signing up for FB automatically puts your online presence 'out there' and there's no such thing as privacy. Old story, I think I kinda knew that when I set up my first photo album. But anyway, what I mean by this is that I think most people have their variable moods and bouts where they either feel like sharing their feelings with the world, or sometimes they just want to delete every, single, thought or photo they ever shared online. But they don't because, you know, it's weird and its uncharacteristic and it's just strange to do that. There's an invisible pressure for you to maintain an online presence. If it suddenly disappears (just ask my friend), people start asking 'omg what happened'. Even better, if you don't have a FB account, watch how the eyebrows go up and how people tend to say, "HUH? You don't have Facebook?!" like how it's supposed to be your 6th sense or something.

So there are times - like just now - where I feel the sudden urge to delete, purge, wipe out the online presence I had established over the last few years. Don't know why, just felt like I was in one of those 'crap I don't want the world to see this'. But I couldn't. It's kinda amusing really, how like a bazillion consequences flew into my head. First and foremost though is the idea that my treasure trove of memories in the form of photos, notes on my friends' walls, videos, and everything would just disappear into cyberblackholeness. 2nd thing was mentioned above - people would start asking OMG charlene what happened - like I just checked into the hospital. Heh. Don't want to deal with that.

Actually, FB has become like a wedding ring. You know, it's like how when you take it off - maybe for an innocent reason like washing your hands then forget to put it back - people start asking you what happened.

We live in a strange, strange world.

It irritates the shit out of me when I can't find that closure because someone can't once and for all talk to me about it!

Grrrrar!

You know what's the best poison to loosen up and have a heart-to-heart chat?

Not alcohol.

It's piping hot english breakfast tea with super-spicy wasabi peas. Haha.

Anyway, it's kinda comforting to know - after talking to some of my closest friends - that I am not alone in a little quarter life crisis.

Been applying for a job and I've received some news from the company, but I hope I do pass the final stages and get the job in the end :)

OK well, I was being lazy. So I thought, time to be concrete about what I want to change about myself and my surroundings. I know, little Ms Late and all but really now, better late than nevarrrr.

1. Keep my temper in check.

Oh, oh, oh. I can't even begin to describe how bad my temper is nowadays. I used to be pretty mild, but lately many things get on my nerves. I'm not even going to try justifying it - there is no excuse. So yes, I have to keep my temper in check, I have to learn how to breathe and count to 10 and start rationalizing everything before I explode in anger. If you haven't seen me lose my temper, just get into the same car as me when I'm the driver - on Singaporean roads. The fastest litmus test for tolerance.

2. Be happy

Shit may happen, but its been a recurring lesson for me - other people stay positive and happy even when shit happens, and they dont' degenerate into pessimistic whiny people. And what happens to pessimistic whiny people? They rub off on others, and they spread the bitterness. Uh Uh.

3. Spend more time with my mom

I really have to.

4. Start being more organized

It's not that I'm crazy chaotic. But I'm still pretty careless and messy. The last straw came when I turned up for a lesson that was cancelled (I'd rushed down in a cab), and I was the only person, other than one other person who had an excuse because she wasn't present in the last seminar. Dear Lord. It's time to start making use of my calendars.

5. Grow up

The end! Thank you for indulging me.

HAPPY. SHA LA LA.

IT'S SO NICE TO BE HAPPY.

SHA LA LAAAA

and in time to come it shall be my irritating anthem haha.

I never really understood what 'stir crazy' meant - google it! - until this semester, hah. And this, coming from someone who doesn't really like crowds, and is a self-professed homebody.

Can't wait for the great adventure in LA and Vegas and San Fran and some random ski resort!

Someday, I would love to backpack around the world, rough it out sometimes, live in the lap of luxury sometimes. Won't you join me? :) Whatever we do, it's all an adventure. Life's one big ass adventure waiting to be lived out. And i sure as heck ain't going to miss that train. (Well even if I do, I'll just spend the time before the next train exploring my surroundings). Oooh watch me say the same thing when I'm working - I hope I don't ever eat my words. I don't want to be a zombified office worker living a life of slavery to luxury goods or possessions.

I'll have to remember what I'm working for in the first place. Oh Lord, teach me to remember that when I'm actually working. Let me not be lost in the sea of soulless workers.

Yet a big part of me is eternally grateful to the powers that be who have given me a relatively comfortable life. Should I be complaining, and should I be saying I don't want to be a soulless worker, when others are struggling to make ends meet, and when even being a soulless worker is a better alternative to whatever situation they're in? It makes my ideals sound frivolous and irresponsible, even. I don't know, oh I don't know. Life is one big puzzle.

I sound drunk, but trust me, I'm just high on the adrenalin of working on my paper :)

Someone told me that my blog is becoming like emo***. Hehe. It's just a passing phase really. Whatever horrible things that happen and the feelings associated with it eventually pass...

Today I am feeling upbeat and happy!

Anyway, I'm reading a book called "Essays in Love" by Alain de Botton, kindly lent to me by Zhu Hui. I wish I borrowed it from her earlier! It's a beeyootiful book! Let you know my thoughts on it when I'm finished, Zhu!

The thrill, the rush, the fascination. The curiosity, and seemingly never-ending intrigue, mystique of it all. Strangers, bordering on friends. It was a furious game of tag.

It may seem like I'm just throwing adjectives for the sake of nothing. But seriously, that's how I felt and what I experienced last year.

This year, in comparison? The thrill, and the rush, gone. Intrigue and mystique replaced by comprehension and understanding, which border on assumptions. The growing awareness of normality. Friends, bordering on best friends. Best friends, bordering on partners. Stability and lukewarmness. Which, I guess, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Are you aware?

So tell me, where do I go from here?

A/N: Some people wonder where I find the time to post on my blog. This is my therapy. I love to read, and I love to write. And I find solace in doing so. And perhaps I express myself much better in written words than in spoken ones. Sometimes I struggle to find words when I try to express my feelings verbally to someone. But when I write, it seems to flow. I think there's some kinda blockage in the neural connections between my word bank and my aural communication functions.

But yes, stop guessing, this is who I am.

and now... I think i'm really fond of Keanu Reeves! People say he's bad at acting (I really don't get it though, is he really that bad?), and that he's boring...

But I think there's something about him that really grabs my attention. Did you know that Keanu is Hawaiian for 'the coldness'? hmmm.

Don't burn out, or implode please? Hang in there for the confusions of youth will surely pass.

P.S., 'darling' here is used in the context of friends only.

I think I just did. And so I shall pick it up and it shall point me in the right direction once again.

Just for today time ticked slowly. I had the attention span of a fly today.

Dozens of strangers went up to the front and said their piece; all I was fixated on was the tick-tick-tick of the clock's second hand. Words were said, how important, I cannot remember. All I remember was that I was hearing it all but not really listening. There were a few debates or two - mindless ones that I suspect were deeply rooted in personal vendettas- but their conclusions were irrelevant.

While trying to complete a project I was distracted, intermittently, by curious small red ants daring enough to march up my laptop screen. I flicked them away, one by one, only to return to the blinking cursor on MSWord, an annoying constant reminder that I had much, much more to write before I would be done. There was a nearby group making a heck load of noise. One girl spoke at rapid-fire pace - a rat-tat-tat-tat, and another guy kept rattling off useless 'Do You Know...' trivia loudly to the rest of the group, presumably from a website. Selective sentences from their conversation kept jumping out at me.

"Haven't you had the teochew muay at Al Azaar?".

"Have you heard of Thomson Road prata?"

That was when I decided enough was enough and I got up to leave. On my way to the carpark I had a sudden thought. "Have I paid for season parking to cover April as well? Nah, I should have." Starting up my car's engine I went towards the gantry, expecting it to lift up immediately. No go. $10.71 flashed across the screen. Shit, shit, shit. My random thought was really a minor premonition. That was weird.

The drive home was really a blur of lights from other cars and streetlights; and a blur of music - music blasting out from a newly created CD-compilation of Hip-Hop and Dance tracks. Today Sophie Swift seemed to be extremely obedient. No noisy protests as I guided her up the expressway ramps. Today it practically purred along the streets as I drove home. It was as if Sophie Swift was on auto-pilot. I wasn't even thinking much as I drove home.

Ja, today I had the attention span of a fly.