And the only way I could express this utter disappointment was to read what other poets and authors have written to express their grief. My dejection, expressed through their words. How frustrating; I cannot even express my dejection in my own terms.

Sometimes, you just have to be responsible for whatever's happening, and just take control of the situation where possible.

Today something ridiculous happened and it set me thinking, not just about this specific incident, but words were said that made me think about the whole idea of romantic 'whimsy', so to speak.

I think: We cannot run away from being connected and being - to a limited extent - accountable to everyone else. Sure, we can throw caution to the wind and declare - full of romantic whimsy - that we can shrug off what others think and do our own thing. That's only if we want to live like we're cut off from the rest of the world and like we're the only ones on this planet. 'Romantic whimsy' is an euphemism. Do you really not care what others - especially your loved ones - think? And are you just using flights of fancy as a smokescreen for less desirable traits? Incidents like that really make me wonder.

I really didn't think it was that difficult to empathize and understand where I was coming from, and I hope arguments weren't folded away despite any remaining indignation because that is a formula for disaster.

Oh well.

It's called the STRESSEDUP MESSEDUP MONSTER!

Wonder what happens to others that makes them realize 'this is it, this is uncharacteristic of me, and this is the period where I swing between sanity and derangement'.

Flag day - if I am going to be very honest here - is an event which shatters a lot of candy-coated illusions I have about Singaporeans.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. I just think that Singaporeans don't know how to properly reject others. Perhaps it's the embarrassment of having to say 'no' to you. They don't look you in the eye, some mumble incoherently, yadayada. But the worst would have to be those who walk past you without even so much as acknowledging your presence, and this is in the context of me having walked up to them and asking them very audibly if they would like to donate.

No issues if you don't want to donate. It's your money, you decide what you want to do with it. I respect that. But at least treat people like people! Don't just walk ahead, without even the slightest hint of eye contact.

Is this what our society is coming to? People fixated with their own interests, walking briskly along, not caring what the heck is going on around them. Can't even muster the energy to reject properly/courteously. Some did it with kids in tow. So this is what they teach their children nowadays. No wonder a large majority of people who actually brushed past me without so much as blinking an eye were students. This is the generation I'm growing up with. Socially adept, only when it's necessary to fulfill self centred motivations.

I'm appalled.

But for every rude person, there was a kind one. Some said "God Bless", some asked me not to stand in the sun, some smiled. It gives me at least, some visage of there being an optimistic future yet for this generation. We'll see.

Arggghhhh!

The last one is always the hardest! Especially when its many many days apart from your 2nd last paper. Instead of feeling motivated 'cos it's the last paper to temporal freedom, I'm feeling sluggish and lethargic because that day is 'so near yet so far'. It's like trying to grab at a carrot that's being dangled in front of you and failing every single time.

To make matters worse, it's ECONOMICS. I've always been biased against it because one of my teachers made me drop it back in my JC days. She was like, 'OH drop drop drop lah drop!'. Way to encourage your students. Anyway, I'm trying to get over all the graphs and equations. They're all over the place, both literally and metaphorically in my brain, as well as scrawled all over randomly on blank pieces of crumpled paper. My table is a battlefield right now. Gah, enough of all these numbers. I better not be dealing with any next sem.

I can't wait for post-exams. I'm going to shop and sleep and eat and watch movies and just chill at home and read my books and basically just NOT STUDY. Oh 2 Dec where art thou!

Spinning: High and Dry -- Radiohead

Last Monday, I waited at my usual bus-stop at 6.50 a.m. I was 5 minutes off from the usual timing at which I'd wait for the bus. My college is a 10 to 15 minute bus ride away from home. IQ question: given that I have to reach school by 7.25 a.m. LATEST, would I be able to reach it on time?

OK. Make that a rhetorical question. Following simple logic, I'd have been more than punctual. I guess it was one of those 'it's just not my day!' sort of days. Because the bus arrived at 7.20. Do the math for me and you'll find that I waited for a whopping half an hour for the bus. And amazingly I still had time to rush into the school, sprint desperately towards the parade square... only to be halted by the commander's shout of attenshun. I was separated from the assembly ground by a puny stretch of road.

At this point I was a little flustered, but other than that, nothing. The 'it's just not my day' phenomena acted up again. Of all days, the Discipline Master JUST had to talk about punctuality and whatnot that very morning. I was gobsmacked by the trail of events and even worse -- because of his little lecture, many teachers and students alike turned to look at us with those accusing eyes. And who was the one in front, shielding the others' faces? Oh, 'it's just not my day' phenomena again -- I had to be the bodoh one standing in front. And that's when I started to get pretty irked by what'd happened.

I'm not just describing these events for the sake of it... I'm doing this because at that very moment, whilst the earlybirds and punctualites were looking at us latecomers, I felt like a criminal. Right there and then all I could think of was, "But I haven't been late for this year at all! Plus, it wasn't exactly my fault that the bus I was scheduled to take BROKEDOWN. (This I learnt later on.)" Of course no one would know about this -- the way they looked at us was as if we were serial late comers. Thank goodness the teacher in charge then was reasonable. She let us off in the end without a record.

I forgot about this incident for awhile. Today, in the midst of doing my Math, I was told by my dear civics tutor that certain authorities had recommended that I drop an 'S' paper.

"Why? Is it because of my Math?" (It's F for fail, people.)
"Probably so."

And I wasn't furious mad, but I was disappointed, and I felt defeated - you know, like a deflated baloon. Fortunately, this dear civics tutor of mine had interceded for me. She vouched for me. At that point of time I felt genuinely touched by her actions. No teacher has ever placed her confidence in me except her. Never, ever. For this reason, I'll work even harder so as not to disappoint her. I was grateful. I thanked her - but I know she deserves more than that. 35ers, I just want to say we are a blessed class to have her as our CT. At least if anything happens, we'll know she's there to protect us.

So what's this got to do with the 'it's just not my day' phenomena? Simple. I just think that, sometimes, we don't get 2nd chances in certain aspects of life. Of course we won't admit it, but we are one unforgiving bunch. That's why we're so afraid to make mistakes. That's why people are afraid of failure -- because we have to face the unforgiving side of everyone else. Don't give me "failure is the mother of success". In this society, it's not; although they keep harping on that. And so I've decided there's no point in feeling defeated, or pathetic. I don't think I want to wait or ask for a 2nd chance when I know that there's little chance of getting it. Granted, we may get 2nd chances -- but I'll tell you that they come at extravagant prices.

Angsty, cynical? Maybe. But question if you do nod your head at the previous paragraph. If you're on the same planet as me, I think you would. And if you're wondering what's caused me to snap this time, it's not just this year alone. It's a snowballing problem.

I'm not THAT pessimistic though. Looking on the brighter side, I might as well translate this into motivation. And I won't blame anyone - it's not worth doing so because it'll only make me - and others - unhappy. Hm. I guess the AQ (Adversity Quotient) talk I attended with my class did come in handy. To some degree.

P.S.: If you're wondering why this is entitled 'the yellow ribbon project' - it's not because it's a suicide prevention project (!!!). In local context, it's about giving convicts a 2nd chance. It's a worthy cause, I feel. (No, not because of these events lah.)

Spinning: Pavane - Gabriel Faure

The more you get to know someone, the more he takes you for granted. The closer you get, the more distanced you want to feel. Frightening, isn't it? I'm not being philosophical here, or at least I think I'm not - because these are plain observations made from real life. It's paradoxical but uncannily true.

I've been mulling over this for some time (yes, it is what I do when I'm on the bus, eating at home alone, or during TV advertisements.) and I think, maybe, the reason is that we're subconsciously aware of the need to make a great first impression - so around people we hardly know, we're at our best behaviours. Around people whom we think are already our 'buddies', it's like a different picture all together; some sort of behaviour that crosses the boundary of 'no-holds-barred'. I'm not saying that we shouldn't let our hair down with our friends, nor am I saying that we shouldn't be truthful/straightforward and give them what they want to hear all the time. I'm saying that sometimes, closest friends expect their pals to tread with care on their emotional domain but they disappoint, all because they've already crossed that invisible 'boundary' of 'Good Impression Received' and they might think 'Aiyah, there's no need to be tactful because I'm their good friend already. They know me well enough.' There's a fine line between being tactfully honest and being brutally straightforward. It's a pity that many of us tend to forget and shoot our mouths off. Sometimes, we don't even know that we've hurt the other party's feelings.

Similarly, we often find ourselves hard pressed for compliments for someone we know really well. Honestly, when was the last time you praised your closest loved one? That sense of familiarity can make you take things for granted. I'm guilty as charged, although many events have taught me NOT to ever, ever take things, or more importantly, people around me, for granted.

I guess oftentimes compliments that ought to be showered on someone don't follow through because of our pride. I'll confess that Pride, Self-worth's ugly cousin, that can make or break your relationships stands in my way a lot of times. When I think I should say something good of someone - Pride stops me. When I think I should be apologizing, Pride is first in the line to convince me otherwise. Even compromising is an uphill task. It's human nature - Pride is the reigning victor in many of us - save for a blessed few.

______________________________________

Recently someone I know went on a thrashing spree about one of the subjects I take - Literature. It's really a bad move when you're talking to someone who actually takes the subject, so I don't know why the heck he decided to go ahead anyway. It was an innocent conversation initially - or at least it seemed like it was going down that road - until he decided to talk about Art. I'm really in no position to comment on Art because I'm no expert, but what he said was really nonsensical enough to warrant a (mental) response from me. Let me just say that he commented that anything, including "a few splotches of paint" can pass off as Art. That can be true but you know, I think his drift was that Art is nonsense, and he was running it down - at least in my opinion. My reaction was to stare at him, bewildered. Then he went rattling on about how ridiculous interpretations of Art can get. Sure, Art is subjective, but not mindlessly subjective!

Somehow the conversation shifted to Literature - and he did say something that I find true up till today. He'd suggested that authors or poets may not mean for us to interpret a certain text/poem in the way that we interpret. So. But what I'd found irritating was that he was insinuating that any reckless interpretation would garner you an 'A' in your exams. I felt that was pretty insulting - was he hinting that Literature required no skills at all? (to put it bluntly, it's like saying, "You're really dense.")

I do acknowledge that I'm probably this irked because I take the subject, and the prideful me has been offended. But still I find his comments really uncalled for, and they are pretty much unfounded.